MR. RONNIE’S CONFESSION
(A Play In One Act)
First performed December 1989 at the 45th Street Theatre.
[A church in Hell’s Kitchen. Organ music plays in the background. A confessional box is set center stage facing the audience. It is open to the front but a partition divides the box. Mr. Ronnie enters the church and makes his way up the center aisle. He is wearing black dungarees and a black leather jacket over a white T-shirt. He looks around, somewhat confused, and finally enters the confessional. A few seconds later, a priest makes his way to the confessional, stopping to bow and make the sign of the cross. He enters the confessional and waits another few seconds before Mr. Ronnie knocks on the sliding window.]
PRIEST
Begin.
MR. RONNIE
Ah, bless me father, for I have sinned. My last confession was, ah, six years ago.
PRIEST
(with heavy irish brogue)
Are you sure, son?
MR. RONNIE
Ah, yeah, father. Six years. I, ah, curssed two thousand times. I smoked pot two times. I second-acted ten plays. I Scalped tickets a few times. I lusted a few times. I Acted on my last once but that was at a bachelor party, so … I cheated on my taxes seven times. I put in for overtime once when I already clocked out but I didn’t get it so that one doesn’t really count.
PRIEST
When you say you second-acted ten plays. What does that mean?
MR. RONNIE
Second-acted. Second-acted, you know. Didn’t you ever second-act a play?
PRIEST
No, I’m sorry.
MR. RONNIE
You follow people back into the theatre after intermission. They hardly ever check, unless it’s a full house or somethin’. You just follow them in and you take one of the empty seats.
PRIEST
Oh, I see.
MR. RONNIE
It’s no big deal.
PRIEST
No.
MR. RONNIE
Couple Hail Mary’s or somethin’.
PRIEST
Something.
MR. RONNIE
It’s not like I stole money or somethin’ like that.
PRIEST
No.
MR. RONNIE
If the house was sold out, I had to leave.
PRIEST
Excuse me?
MR. RONNIE
If there weren’t any empty seats they would show me the door. I had to leave if I couldn’t find a seat. I mean, I never bitched a-ah, Sorry, father. I never complained about it. I never made a beef. I just left.
PRIEST
Did you actually get caught doing that, second-acting?
MR. RONNIE
Yeah, sure, couple times. They just ushered me downstairs and out. It’s no big deal.
PRIEST
Did you go back again? Did you try it again?
MR. RONNIE
After a couple weeks. On the off-nights. You know, Tuesday, Wednesday. Maybe a Thursday.
PRIEST
Why?
MR. RONNIE
What what? Why those nights?
PRIEST
No, why try it again?
MR. RONNIE
Father, those shows cost fifty bucks to see with a regular ticket. I’m only catching the second act. It’s not like I’m stealing the fifty bucks. It’s not like I took it from somebody. Those seats were empty. They couldn’t sell them anyway.
PRIEST
So, what you did was sit for half the show. Why didn’t you offer the box office half the price of the ticket?
MR. RONNIE
Who’d pay to see half a show? ‘Specially the second half.
PRIEST
Oh.
MR. RONNIE
What they should do is give the seats away. You know, the ones they can’t sell before the show. There’d be a lot more charity in the theatre that way. People might respect it for somethin’ more than just another business.
PRIEST
I understand. Anything else?
MR. RONNIE
(Proud of himself)
No, that’s it.
PRIEST
What about the scalping business? Were they theatre tickets?
MR. RONNIE
Sure.
PRIEST
You like theatre?
MR. RONNIE
Hey, I’m an actor, father.
PRIEST
Oh, I see.
MR. RONNIE
But I didn’t scalp a lot. Only when I got tickets I knew would sell.
PRIEST
Did you ask a lot of money for the tickets?
MR. RONNIE
I got a good price, yeah.
PRIEST
What’s a good price? I’m curious. In relation to what? If a ticket cost fifty normally, how much did you charge?
MR. RONNIE
Oh, that depends, father. For a hot show like Phantom, I could get anywhere from seventy-five to a hundred bucks a pop. A friend of mine got me one-fifty a ticket for Les Mis once but he’s a hard guy. He scalps everything. Football, baseball, concerts, plays. He’s the one should be in here now.
PRIEST
A hard guy?
MR. RONNIE
You know, father. Connected.
PRIEST
Ah, I see. So, do you see anything wrong with what you did? The scalping tickets, second-acting and so forth?
MR. RONNIE
Not really, no.
PRIEST
I didn’t get that impression either. Why did you mention them to me?
MR. RONNIE
I don’t know. To, ah, confess, I guess. I didn’t know what to say, father, tell you the truth.
PRIEST
Are you sure you’re a catholic, son?
MR. RONNIE
Yeah, sure. Sort of.
PRIEST
Sort of?
MR. RONNIE
I mean, I am. Of course I am.
PRIEST
Why are you here?
MR. RONNIE
To get married, father. They told me I hadda’ get a confession to get married.
PRIEST
They?
MR. RONNIE
The people my fiance’ spoke with from your church. They told her that I hadda’ do this before I could get married in your church. I’m from Brooklyn, father, another Parish.
PRIEST
I see. But didn’t you say that your last confession was six years ago?
(Pause)
Son?
MR. RONNIE
I was lying.
PRIEST
Now, isn’t that a rather cumbersome thing to do? The confession, the lies?
MR. RONNIE
No, I don’t mind it much.
PRIEST
Well, that’s commendable.
MR. RONNIE
It’s no big deal.
PRIEST
No, I guess it’s not. A lot of the people who come here actually make up sins that they think they should have committed. To have something to say to us when they come here.
MR. RONNIE
That sounds lonely.
PRIEST
Yes. Very observant of you. Yes, I think so. Lonely.
MR. RONNIE
At least they just make them up. They could act on them.
PRIEST
They do eventually. That’s when they stop coming here. That’s how I know when they act on the sins they created.
MR. RONNIE
Sounds like a lot to think about for you.
PRIEST
It is, yes.
MR. RONNIE
Tough job. I don’t envy you.
PRIEST
Yes, well. You know what you are doing is wrong. That it is illegal. Yet you continue to do it.
MR. RONNIE
Still do.
PRIEST
Still do?
MR. RONNIE
Sure, it’s money father, money.
PRIEST
Alright, let’s move on to the next sin on your list. Lust.
MR. RONNIE
Ah, I do lust.
PRIEST
Still do?
MR. RONNIE
Still do.
PRIEST
But you’re getting married now.
MR. RONNIE
Yeah, and thank God she’s hot.
PRIEST
Hot?
MR. RONNIE
Yeah, you know. She likes sex.
PRIEST
Oh. Oh.
MR. RONNIE
But I can still lust. I mean, everybody lusts.
PRIEST
I guess.
MR. RONNIE
Don’t you?
PRIEST
I suppose.
MR. RONNIE
That must be really tough for you.
What happens next? Well, things get a bit uncomfortable for our priest…and in the end, even a man of the cloth has his limits.
